It’s been a long few weeks where the hours faded into days and days into weeks. I’ve been treading water so it seems, trying my hardest to keep myself afloat and to preventing myself from sinking and drowning.
To say it’s been a struggle would be a extreme understatement.
It’s been a busy few months and a very long process to get where we are today, weekly meetings with my psych, weekly therapy, too many GP appointments and blood tests, I haven’t really been left alone… which then leads me to the question of why do I feel so alone? I guess it’s maybe because I’m not great of letting people in, telling them the truth, allowing them to know the real me- but I don’t even know who the real me is anymore.
It’s all very overwhelming the outside world. I’ve been surrounding myself with books and films just to escape reality for a while. Each evening longing for 10pm just to take my meds and drift away into the mad and crazy dreams that my weird and wonderful wrong wired brain creates.
Sometimes I wake up before the dark black cloud that is permently fixed above my head, that showers my thoughts and emotions with nothing but negativity. I’m allowed to laugh briefly before the cloud catches up with me at the bizarre dream that has been played for me in my private cinema in the early hours of the morning before I was cruelly woken up. These medications have made my dreams a lot more vivid but I forget them almost instantly. It catches me, like a fishing rod, the dark black cloud of depression hooks me on and reels me closer. Unfortunately you’ve survived another night ready to face another day