I’m being drowned by some kind of black wave…

How did we get back to this?

I greeted the depression like an old family friend. I’ve been here before. Many of times. It’s about waiting for the storm to pass, trying to hold on to glimpses of positivity. However small they may seem. I almost feel like I should be use to all this. Years of cycling to each extreme but nothing has prepared me for this.

This tsunami black wave trying steal everything I’ve ever worked for. Depression etched itself into my life and has taken over. Depression jealous of the few remaining relationships I have left. Friendships dwindling. Not many stuck around.  They say no one will love you until you love yourself, which is absolutely terrifying.  Everyone is bored of this. One day enough was enough, I had pushed them away that last time, they walked away and never looked back, not even a second glance over their shoulder. I don’t blame them-  I’ve had enough too but I don’t get to turn my back on all this. This is my life, no matter how fast I run, it wins. In all honesty I’m not pleasant to be around, I’m on edge, the smallest thing will make me flip and lose my sanity.

It’s a life of an unmanageable whirlwind of emotions. Different medication, increased doseage of others, but were still not moving forward. 1 forward 1000 back. My days are made up of appointments and phone calls from my mental health team, but in all honesty I think there unsure on what to put in place. That’s the frightening part when no one knows what to do or how to help.

I feel like I’m being drowned by a black wave.

0 energy

0 motivation

0 hope



It’s been a while… 

It’s been a long few weeks where the hours faded into days and days into weeks. I’ve been treading water so it seems, trying my hardest to keep myself afloat and to preventing myself from sinking and drowning.

 To say it’s been a struggle would be a extreme understatement.

It’s been a busy few months and a very long process to get where we are today, weekly meetings with my psych, weekly therapy, too many GP appointments and blood tests, I haven’t really been left alone… which then leads me to the question of why do I feel so alone?  I guess it’s maybe because I’m not great of letting people in, telling them the truth, allowing them to know the real me- but I don’t even know who the real me is anymore. 

It’s all very overwhelming the outside world. I’ve been surrounding myself with books and films just to escape reality for a while. Each evening longing for 10pm just to take my meds and drift away into the mad and crazy dreams that my weird and wonderful wrong wired brain creates.

Sometimes I wake up before the dark black cloud that is permently fixed above my head, that showers my thoughts and emotions with nothing but negativity. I’m allowed to laugh briefly before the cloud catches up with me at the bizarre dream that has been played for me in my private cinema in the early hours of the morning before I was cruelly woken up. These medications have made my dreams a lot more vivid but I forget them almost instantly. It catches me, like a fishing rod, the dark black cloud of depression  hooks me on and reels me closer.  Unfortunately you’ve survived another night ready to face another day 

Another world

I don’t feel like I’ve really been living today just existing muddling through with this black foggy cloud over my head. I’m struggling even just to function- the slightest movement or expression is too much effort.

I tried to carry on in my normal routine of going to work and doing what ‘normal’ people do, but even that was slightly too much to ask. I need to learn to be kinder to myself, to accept help and take a step back whan things get tough instead of trying to deal with everything by myself, I promise to try and learn how to treat myself with more kindness and better care

I’m drained physically mentally and emotionally, it’s taken over two hours to write a post, so that’s enough for today, I’ll try write more tomorrow


A new chapter

Quetiapine & Lithium will now be my new friends. mind altering drugs. We won’t know if they’re going to help in anyway nor do we know what the side effects will be or to what extreme. All we know is they’ve worked for other people in my ‘situation’. We just have to sit back, keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best… 

I’m prepared for a long hard battle to find the right dose that works for me. I say I’m prepared but how prepared can you be when walking head first into the unknown?! But I think I’m ready, i need to get better again not just for me or my health but  for the people around me who have been by my side throughout this. And if I owe anything to them it would be looking after myself and getting myself stable again, back to normal, If anyone knows what normal is. 

What is normal for me? I guess somewhere in the middle of both states. have I or will I ever be normal? I do not know…

A thousand of questions later…

I’ve lived a life as long as I can remember of thousands of questions with not one single answer. 
Is this normal? Does everyone feel like this? Why am I different? How do I feel? What does this mean? Every minute of everyday- 100mph rushing through my head sometimes forgetting the question i was trying to find an answer for. 

I’ve spent enough time being angry at life that I was dealt a ‘bad hand’ that ‘it’s not fair’. I’ve kicked and I’ve screamed more times that I can count about how cruel this world is but is that really going to help? Okay! Maybe for a brief moment it feels good to blame something or someone! 

I’ve been sad, distraught infact, I’ve felt broken and that nothing would ever ‘fix me’ or peice me back together- no one was going to give me back the time i have lost from being unwell. 

I’ve been scared, frightened not only for myself but my life, my future and the people around me. I’ve had decisions taken away from me, decisions about me and my life taken out of my hands because I’ve been deemed unable to make them rationally.

Every. Single. Emotion.

You see I’m not one to admit defeat easily, I’ll put up a fight, but sometimes I really do feel like I’m fighting a battle that have odds stacked up against me 


It’s been a rollercoaster of a journey, I’m still awaiting a chance to get off from the ride for a break but now I know it’s unlikely that’s going to happen. But it’s okay, I’m used to it right?

Each manic episode comes with more insanity and energy! Heightened emotions and more grandiose ideas, oh but my god it feels good. I feel like I could conquer the world. A problem, a challenge, a task? I’ll do it, no problem. I will take on more than a team of 10 people could manage. 

Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy

Oh wait…? 

What goes up must come down…right? 

Rock bottom. The darkness that not only surrounds you like the sea but starts to drown you with its waves. It leaves you exhausted from just treading water, surviving or just existing, trying not to sink. 

Welcome briefly to the other side. This journey will be unpredictable to say the least but it’s a new route to what will hopefully lead to a calmer and more positive way of life. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel you just have to keep fighting hard to get there. 

J x